Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Can't fall asleep thoughts

Sometimes, actually most times, I fall asleep as soon as my left ear hits the pillow.
Last night was one of the nights where such did not happen. That's when I think about my next blog post to write. What is it with thoughts anyway? Do they consist of images only? My stories feel complete. Nothing is missing - the location has a name and so do the people involved, everything has a color, there is sound, there are so many feelings and there is me. I want whatever I write down to reflect who I am. How can I do that if I don't find the words I need?  All that is reflected when I write, is my ignorance of vocabulary and that in such a magnified form that it frightens the schnook out of me.
I know, nobody forces me to write. I want to but question myself as to maybe doing it privately. The intend was and still is to leave a few of my untold memories behind for my children. Because I know that a few more than just my children read here, the process has slowed down and if it continues at such a slow pace I won't have enough time to complete what I set out to do.
Right now, at this very moment, I have decided to no longer do this blog but, I already play with the idea of  and who cares what they think. So, maybe tomorrow.
Just talking to myself.........


Sabine said...

Come on, I am waiting!

Rouchswalwe said...

I am with Sabine in hoping to read many more of your stories and experiences. Yet I understand too what you are saying here, dear Ellena. I watched my sweet Mama struggle with English throughout her life, especially written English. She would write drafts first, for school excuses, for greeting cards, etc. I would be on hand to help, but it brought up the age-old picture of the immigrant parent and the fluently bilingual child. In addition, we who read this blog are not family, and sometimes you want to write for their eyes and their hearts alone. I understand this. If you do decide to make this blog available to your family only, I hope and plead with you that you will still visit all of our blogs on occasion. I would miss you terribly if you were to withdraw completely. At least if I could look forward to a comment from you on my blog from time to time, my heart would be gladdened.

Halle said...

My wishes echo Sabine and Rouchswalwe. I would miss you Ellena. Your stories and observations have lightened and enlightened. So thank you, and I hope you will not worry about your posts and keep them public.

Ellena said...

Sabine, Rouchswalwe and Halle!
Thank you all so much for your support.
I did not write this with the intent to solicit a dose of Feeling Safe,from you, dear friends. There have been other instances where I promised to embrace what is. I do so again.

Roderick Robinson said...

Just re-read Graham Greene's sort of autobiography A Sort Of Life. He reflects on revising his novels; in the early days he found himself cutting out material, latterly adding it in. This is a lesson I've only just learned and you may find it useful if, as you say, words don't come handily. In paring down we end up with structures that can no longer be elaborated; every word bears a specific function, the sentence is strung up tight, and there's no room to even insert one more adjective. Pruning is good, of course, we need tight declarative sentences. But we also need the freedom to expand what we have to say if we find the need. The answer is to add more sentences, not fiddle about with those already there. Thus rather than sweat it out, trying to come up with an exact word, we can in a sense "describe" our addition. There are certain caveats and it isn't a licence to run off at the mouth. The newly added sentence should be as tight as those surrounding it. I offer it because it's an option that often gets forgotten.

I mentioned lying awake at night, trying to write sonnets in my head, to my wife. She bought me a tiny torch and allowed me permission to use it for bedside notes. Since then I've slept better.

Ellena said...

RR! Who has improved, no, I should say changed here? I understood each and every word of your comment and will try to remember your kind advice when writing.
No harm done using this torch at our age.